Getting up

"The measure of a man is not how he falls


...................................




but how he gets up again."




Thanks Kern for sharing that with me. It has been 3 years since.






I'm normally quite averse to this, but my Archilles heel I decide to reveal.

My belief is that it takes a real man to admit his shortfalls.

I do so for my own personal growth.

Over these past few days, my confidence has been shaken. At times, I have been reduced to this anxious, cynical shadow of myself.

A hidden alter ego revealed.

My past scars reveal themselves, fresh as they have been years before.

Words unspoken have hurt me more than those audible. Silence has that effect on me. Makes me assume the worst.

Passion reveals its true form as pure pain. I've learnt the hard way that love is a constant sustained sacrifice.

It gets difficult when I feel I've got something to lose.

My aura of confidence, coolness and invincibility is nothing but a facade.

But this will not end as a recurring tale of defeat. It will be one of hope. And victory.

I will not let myself live in defeat.

Neither is it God's will.

So I'll pick myself up. And arise a stronger man.

Anomaly: A normality

Said a 1st year meddie friend about a colleague, "He talks a bit weird."

That unwittingly triggered a few stray neuron connections. A new revelation emerged from Davy Jones' Locker (Too much Pirates). Half baked as it is, it still registers in my frontal lobe as pure logic.




Whoa! This is bad...I'm relapsing into mediocrity.

I'm getting normal. Far too normal. This is a bad sign. Especially when I'm in my 2nd year.

I still yearn for what other people my age yearn for. Social acceptance, relationships and good ol' fun. Which is a BAD omen indeed. Plus, I'm still blogging!

Complacency has reared its butt-ugly head, especially after the exam postponement.

I'm supposed to be a mad med student. Literally. Those who sleep 5 hours a night, even alternate nights. Those who make flash cards months before exams. Those who can memorize the trade names of beta blockers and ACE inhibitors. Those who rub their hands with glee when asked to perform a prostate exam. Which reminds me, I should be anal. Anal retentive I mean. If I still harbor hopes of becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon. Or neurosurgeon. Or maxillofacial surgeon.



Surgery. That means giving up a lot of things in life. The warmth of friendships/relationships.........for the coldness of a scalpel.



Dammm...I'm supposed to be abnormal. See ya, blissful living. Goodbye simple things.

Just a thought

Ah Sher, you said that a picture says a thousand words.



But doesn't a word paint a thousand pictures as well?...

What I've Learnt: 1st half 2007

It has been approximately half a year since the last time I said my goodbyes and embarked on yet another journey in a new place, albeit one closer to home. New challenges, new passion, new distractions, new people and most impotantly, new hope. But I won't exactly call it a roller coaster ride. Life's been good, almost too good. I am grateful, truly grateful for the many blessings generously poured out for me. To describe it more aptly, my cup overflows.




Which brings me to these questions lingering over me. Have I learnt anything new? Have I grown into a better man, a better doctor (wannabe), a better friend, a better son? Those who know me may see things I've overlooked, and as my friend Anna eloquently puts it, I have changed substantially over these past one-and-a-half years. For the better, hopefully.



In brief introspection, here are the things I've learnt within this period:


1. I've learnt the importance of managing my priorities. If I fail to get them sorted out, nothing would be accomplished.

2. I've learnt the importance of relying on God, but I realise that He gave us brains to use, so why not act with wisdom...instead of whining helplessly to heaven?

3. I've learnt to appreciate people for who they are, to scratch beneath the surface and discover new perspectives on life. To savor their experiences and enjoy the warmth of company. And yearn for more, perhaps :)

4. To appreciate my parents for what they have done for me; their sacrifices allowing me to fulfill my potential and realise my dreams. Though I may not voice it out explicitly, this sense of gratitude has always been within me. And the older I get, the more I cherish them.

5. I've learnt the importance of being more decisive. Trust me, it really is the substance that seperates the men from the boys.

6. I've learnt to control myself from solving things I should more appropriately leave to God. It contradicts No. 2

7. I've learnt that obedience is better than sacrifice. God's Word can be powerful when I least expect it.

8. Advice can be the most valuable thing, or the most worthless. It depends on how the intended recepient takes it.

9. Too many bananas will stop the heart. And too much garlic will cause you to bleed to death!






I've experienced more than a new hairstyle.....





Plus new questions yet to be answered:


1. Will I ever get some privacy? I wonder if everyone with a room mate feels the same way. It gets me worked up in ways I do not expect. It's not a pretty sight.

2. Will I ever get the same amount of sleep I would like? Or would I have to adjust to the increasing workload and give up those few precious hours in the morning. You know, sleeping in? :P

3. Do some people deserve the problems they face? Have they brought it upon themselves?

4. Is it wrong to tell someone the truth about how you feel about them, even if it might offend them? But not telling them would be cruel, no?

5. Will I ever tell someone my true feelings for them? Eh-HEM...you know..I'm still new to this concept. I'm not that confident, even if looks may betray it. Must I act promptly, or take it easy? I'll opt for the latter at this moment, even though I may regret my decision later!

6. Am I metro? I do very well hope not






Or a change of cup size...but it's not my experience ;p

What They Say

You know that song by Christina Aguilera that goes,

I'm beautiful
no matter what they say
'cos words can't bring me down...

I hear it blaring out in shopping malls and cafes around town. And I bet it must be the rallying cry to those who feel misunderstood and despised and all, yeah?



But that song makes me wonder sometimes, to what extent do I care how others perceive me to be? On one hand, there's this part of me that goes,

Be yourself. Yea, you DAA MAN. Don't give a damn what others think. It's their loss anyway.

on the other,

Oh, he/she said I'm a bit too nice/harsh/being an a**hole. I must not displease him/her. The sky is falling. God have mercy on me a forsaken sinner!


Well, I take for granted that I know this. It's in the balance. You must not be on either extremes. But there's something else really bothering me. You see, over these years, I've come to despise this line:


Oh, he's a nice guy


Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive, but it never fails to upset me when a friend of mine uses that to describe me. It sounds like reading an eulogy for a stranger. Well, to be honest, its not his or her fault. Maybe we're just not that close. Overly sensitive me.

But it really hurts when someone says that, and you know you could describe them better yourself. When you thought you knew each other better. Insults would be better, seriously. And we drift apart. With not even a passing thought about each other for the remainder of our ephemeral (note: mmmm...nice complicated word) life. And I thought we were friends.

Enough of that, here's what some of my friends or acquaintances have described me:


Shy, introverted- Ahh...that was true. Back in those days. And I thought I'd never grow out of it. But praise God, I can look back on it as a phase. A phase in life. But there are still some remnants, cookie crumbs you might say.

Sweet- Mmm....that's nice. Let me imagine how the conversation would continue:
Me: My, how sweet of you to call me sweet
Friend: That's awfully sweet of you to call me sweet
compliments continue indefinitely.......

Religious- Don't like that word too much. Implies snobbishness, 'holier than thou' aura, mindless adherance, routine. Which is not the actual case.

Clever- I'm flattered. But grades don't determine your level of intellect.

Hardworking- I'm sorry. Nothing could be further from the truth. I carry the anatomy book around just to remind me to study. It's all out of guilt.

Handsome- Haha, this pumps up my ego easily. Mostly from my friend's parents and old 'aunties' :P ....and disturbingly, the compliments come, disproportionately from those with the Y chromosome. Creepy. Enough said.

A Dipsh*t buddy- Thanks Brian! Really appreciate that. I'm not being ironic either. Miss being called that.

Marvin- The robot from "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". Ever depressed. Hopefully that's part of the past.

Chrissypoo, he needs to be more gentleman- from Steph Sii. Point taken.

Aiyoh, he cannot take care of himself. He's so absent minded- Mum, you win. But I'm learning.



But at the end of the day *cue random Grey's Anatomy music*...I'll repeat it...It's all in the balance. Halfway between being totally oblivious and being a crowd pleaser. Just remember to be true to yourself, no double life. And try to be like Him up there.



How would you like to be described anyway?

Reflection in chaos

1500 word essay on Critical Learning Incident

Due date: 3 days

Current progress: 0.5% (I wrote my name)





Chaos, total chaos. But in this chaos, I begin to introspect. And experience another shift in perspective.

From that of a busy medical student, drowning in a heap of assignments and holding on for dear life to my spartan schedule. Meeting new people, keeping up with friends, remembering names, forgetting names. Maintaining exam grades. Cramming towards exams. Studying to avoid failure. Living in fear of failure. And hoping for the day when all of this will finally end, and enjoy the fruits of my labour. All in a day's work.


A mistake was made somewhere. Being stuck within that frame of mind.


Of living day to day


Where's my joy in seeking knowledge? My passion for people? My fondness of wisdom? My love of life?


I won't be another person trapped within the intricacies of life. A person too busy to live.

Silence

Ever felt the urge to speak disappear when you're with someone?


And whats left is a silence, a void of sound...save for the background noise, crickets chirping etc.








This silence can either be comforting or painfully akward, depending on who you're with. I suspect the latter is more common between the two genders.



As for me, it's a strange mixture of both. Communicating is not all about talking. Nor about being funny or interesting. Sometimes, chemistry between two souls is strongest when no words are exchanged at all. When I stone, it does not mean I lost interest in you. My mind's just blank, like a slate. Still appreciate the company though.



Silence speaks volumes.





Perhaps this gives new meaning to 'SHUT UP'. Just my five cents.

Being a man: Being decisive

Well, sorry ladies, this may not really be of use to you. Maybe otherwise. But I target this at the guys, the men, the males, my brothers. It also serves as a personal note to myself. You may call it self improvement, I call it self awakening.

As a male, a man-in-the-making, a growing Christian man....I have always wondered, what qualities make a true man. Would it be enjoying sport and be good at it? Or enjoying a few pints with some mates? I guess girls would generally dismiss most manly behaviour as childish, even undesireble. But come to think of it, God hardwired or brains differently. Ask any girl what their perfect male would be, and they would likely answer..

"oh ya, i'd like him to be tall, smart, articulate, caring, good husband material, sensitive, charming..bla bla bla..."

Yeah, you got that clearly. But then, when such a man comes along, the girl would say:

"hmm, he's too perfect. He's probably gay"


But I'm digressing here. Guys, wer'e not talking about what women want in us, we're talking about what we want in ourselves. In my opinion, there is something important seperating boys from MEN.

It's DECISIVENESS. That's right, DECISIVENESS...or rather the lack of it, INDECISIVENESS


Men are decisive. Better, men are SUPPOSED to be decisive.In prehistoric times, men HAD to be decisive. If there was a female nearby, you had to think fast, club her over the head, and drag her back into your cave. Failing to decide and act meant failing to spread your seed, and you know what that means..extinction.

But these days, the qualities of an ideal man has gone through some transformation. For the worse I fear. Just watch sappy TVB and Korean dramas. We are expected to be accomodating and tolerant towards the fairer gender, and among ourselves to boot. While I do agree to some extent that we should be sensitive and all, I believe that a lot of us have taken it to an extreme. And thus, we have the whiners, the people pleasers, the fence-sitters. Indecisive boys we are, and I'm still in the process of escaping.



"our level of manliness nowadays"




Firstly, let's look at the factors preventing us from being decisive.


BEING A CROWD PLEASER.
Definitely something I'm avoiding currently. Back when I was in primary school, I was the good boy. The one getting good grades, the one pleasing the teachers and my parents. Boy, it felt good to receive approval. But I knew it was wrong. If you really love others, be honest with them, even if its brutal. To sugar coat things and refrain from critism would be plain selfish. This isn't kindness, it's manipulation.


FEAR OF REJECTION.
I can safely say that most of you wll share this fear to some extent. Probably one of my deepest fears and I'm still overcoming it gradually. Its like: "I cant decide, because you may not like it, it may be wrong, you may reject me." That is just cowardice. If someone rejects you for a wrong decision, accept it and move on with your life. It's not easy, but that's crucial to being a true man.


FEAR OF BEING WRONG.
For the anal-retentive among you out there. Sure, a lot of us are perfectionists. But sometimes, we are put into situations where quick decisions need to be made. Just like the last PCL, where a junior doctor was left with a dying patient with an acute hemothorax. He performed a chest drainage, but a slight error cost the patient her life. He found it difficult to move on. But he did what he had to do. A quote I remembered while watching Battlestar Galactica (a sci-fi series) goes something like this.

A true man may not always make the right decisions, but he accepts his mistakes, though he may not admit it publicly, and moves on.


WANTING TO KEEP OPTIONS OPEN.
Face it, we can't be indecisive when it comes to important things. When I chose Medicine, it means I'm choosing against Music or Arts. Don't blame me, I'm also very interested in them. But sometimes you have to let things go, because they may affect your effectivity. I do not regret my decision, even though I'm sacrificing things dear to me. But I still hope to teach my children guitar when the time comes :) Same applies to when it comes to God. As Jesus said: "You are either for me or against me. Whose side are you on?" There is no grey area. If your heart is not fully with God, then you are against Him. Ah, I struggle with that sometimes. Lots of temptation and doubts. Alcohol, social life and expectations. What's right and what's wrong. Sometimes, I put one foot in godly things, and the other in worldly things. I want the best of both worlds, though I know it's wrong. Many of us do that. I'm in the process of changing that, though I find it difficult.


I want to be a man, a better man. I'll start by overcoming indecisiveness first. One step at a time. Here's another quote I found to be so true:

"Those who stand for nothing, fall for anything." Alexander Hamilton

Of Being a Banana

I admit it. I'm a banana. A member of the Chinese community with almost zero proficiency in Mandarin. I can't speak Mandarin to save my life, yet alone have meaningful conversation with a pure Mandarin speaker. I might be able to pick up a few words, but pair me with a Mandarin speaker and we'll be like a chicken and a duck in the same cage.

And knowing a few Hokkien and Mandarin profanities does not count either. That still makes you a banana. A twinkie. You know, as they say, yellow outside, white inside. A 'guay lo' or 'ang moh' in yellow skin. Heck, bananas think and dream in one language; English. And to American/Australian Born Chinese (ABCs), I feel you too.




Bananas blend in pretty well




With almost a quarter of the world speaking Mandarin, bananas may feel a little bit left out. Well, maybe VERY left out. As bananas are of Chinese descent, they are considered outcasts by some of their Mandarin speaking cousins, as a Chinese not knowing Mandarin is like Spongebob without Patrick. I know, BAD analogy, but you catch my drift. Bananas often have bad encounters with older generation Chinese, who scold them for not knowing their mother tongue. Face it, they probably think we are retards! Some bananas try to speak Mandarin, with weird intonation...and their conversations may probably end up like this:

(At a local Malaysian hawker centre)

Banana(thinking): I need to take a piss. Where's the damn toilet? I'm gonna ask that laksa hawker.
Banana: Err...excuse me...Wo Yao Chi Cheh Suo ( I want to eat toilet)
Hawker: Hah? Sheh Mer? Ni Yau Chi Sheh Mer? (Huh, what do you want to eat?)
Banana: Wo Yao Chi Cheh Suo! ( I want to eat toilet!)

...Hawker takes it as a personal insult and beats up the poor surprised banana...


Among some Chinese communities, bananas are thought of as snobs as most of them speak somewhat superior English. However, this perception is wrong in most cases as most bananas are like everyone else. Some of us at least try to speak Mandarin, okay? Only those bananas who insist that the "Queen's English" is the only civilised language should be frowned upon. Luckily for us, they are a but a tiny minority among bananas. Male bananas are also placed at a disadvantage, as most Mandarin speaking chicks are beyond their reach. As for the female bananas, you ask them yourself! :P


Should I be proud of being a banana? I can't answer that question, but yeah....I'm definitely not ashamed of myself! Diss us and face the consequences.

Who's a friend, who's an acquaintance?

Adult Friend Finder: Now that's friendship!?!




I know, It's supposed to be Valentines Day. But like anyone who's still reading this, and not going out with their soul mate/life-partner/other half/fuzzywuzzum babypoo...my heart reaches out to you. But don't go on and masturbate to hentai, monkey porn, or whatever you're into after this. Now that's just plain sad. Instead, stop whining about being single and move on with your life.

I did.


So instead of writing about the usual mushy lovey dovey stuff on Valen-stein Day, I'm gonna talk about friendship.

"to have a single friend is better than having many acquaintances."

I came across this on jamie's blog. It kept me awake thinking about it. Yeah, I'm an insomniac, but it's nice to settle down and do a little soul searching once in a while.



First of all, how do I define a friend? Reminiscing about my friends produced this list:

Someone who...

enjoys long meaningless conversations that lead nowhere
and listens too..
gets into heated arguments, but it dies out eventually
enjoys a nice cold beer sometimes
has annoying habits
compromise, compromise, compromise
treats me to lunch when I'm broke
enjoys a game of pool
goes to church with
does not got to church with
is taken for granted sometimes
someone I'm comfortable with
gets worked up over petty issues
never keeps a grudge
vowed to see each other again after parting ways
shared interests...................and the list goes on




But what differenciates a friend from an acquaintance? Sometimes, we tend to drift apart as friends after a while. It's a normal thing. But we remain friends for a reason. The answer that came to me was plain, straight and simple...But that's the Zen of it.


'SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST'


So, I've somehow figured it out...According to the Theory of Chris, friendship is a form of social contract. The contract is sealed and binded by mutual trust. If trust is broken, the social contract is broken. So, friendship ends. That's how many friendships tragically end. Relationships too.



What are your thoughts about this? I'm interested in hearing your opinion. Perhaps I oversimplified it somewhere.

Racial Stereotyping Enforced!

Advertisers ordered to drop models with non-Malaysian looking faces

The Malaysian modelling and advertising industries are in shock after the government announced it was reviving a ban on the multiracial Asian faces that dominate billboards and magazines.

Information Minister Zainuddin Maidin said yesterday that models with so-called "pan-Asian" features were not representative of Malaysian demographics.

"Using pan-Asian faces means downgrading local faces," he said. "We have to give priority to models with local looks."

Okay, so why are Pan-Asian faces banned? According to Bolehland's Information Minister, they aren't Malaysian.

So youre saying they should look distinctly Indian, Chinese or Malay? SO what about the native East Malaysians, of whom some naturally look Pan-Asian. What about Malaysians of mixed ancestry? What about the Babas,the kaum Serani?

What about the so called "pure blood" Malay, Chinese, Indians, Dayaks, Kadazan etc who look distinct from the others? Are you going to ban them from the media because of their looks?

To be frank, this makes no sense at all. So the gov only recognises people of homogenous(pureblood) heritage as Malaysian. Or is this perpetrated by those who are envious of the Pan-Asian look? The Chinese should have "sepet" eyes? The Indians should have dark skin and curly hair? Malays should look...well...Malay?






"No one should be more sexay than me!"


















Maybe the answer is simpler. The bigwigs up there simply using the "divide and conquer" method to segregate the different races. They simply don't accept the possibility of different races mixing. They want racially distinct races. There is no such thing as a Malaysian race. Which also makes no sense. Bolehland promotes racist stereotypes. Face the hard facts. The gov policy is face-ist.

There is an entry in wikipedia that describes this prejudice: Lookism




But the biggest irony of it all is that I'm supporting the beautiful people over the average masses. Think about it.

MOH is nuts. Welcome to Bolehland.

I am not going to be eloquent in this post. Forgive me for being biased due to my chosen course in uni.But damn, was I appalled when I came across this piece of news. This was what grated greeted my eyes when I logged on to MMR:




It may not seem like much at first glance. Then the magnitude of the situation came into focus. What frustrated me was the fact that the MOH had just doubled the starting salary of medical specialists...to....wait for it....LURE them back!! What about recent medical graduates? The poor, overworked interns and MOs..



That coupled with the fact that Bolehland's Health Minister, Dr Chua Soi Lek was once a medical practitioner. He, of all people, does not seem to understand the plight of his (former) fellow practitioners. Perhaps he was wise enough to enter politics instead.




This was confirmed in a report by the Star:




"The Chinese have 5,000 years of history". That's your main reason for implementing this? Pathethic is an understatement.


How did it come to this? First, they say we need more qualified medical practitioners. Now, they are encouraged allowed to go to China to study for a up to five years. Who needs doctors you say? Lets just turn them into sinsehs instead.


I have absolutely nothing against traditional medicine. I'm personally interested in acupuncture and may even take it up to complement my practise. But you see, Complementary Medicine should stay complementary. Not alternative, as what this situation implies. This bowel motion by the cabinet isn't helping much either.


But "its about the job, not the pay", you say. I'm sorry to ruin your ideals. Medicine is one of those careers where you truly earn your pay. It does not help that doctors working under the government are mostly overworked and underpaid. Just getting into the course is hard enough. I haven't even begun to mention the high tuition fees and long study hours. To add salt to the wound, any tom, dick and harry can take a course in China and earn more than a medical specialist with more than ten years of experience under his/her belt.


There you go, another masterpiece courtesy of Bolehland's administration. So that's what we pay them for.

Dare to Fail

I was always head-bashingly moderately quite slightly ashamed of Monash Uni's over-agressive marketing, which in my opinion is over-the-top and tacky:








But nothing prepared my virgin eyes for this:

....


.....


......


.......


........


.........


photo courtesy of lim kit siang

What the procreating horny monkey were they thinking? Wasn't this NUS's sister university? I heard it was the UM Vice Chancellor's doing too. Do Bolehland's universities, or "varsities" as they call them celebrate mediocrity, even failure? I do bloody well know that Malaysia's failure guru Billi Lim was inspirational, but WTF?