Ah Beng: Malaysia and Singapore's Pride

In continuation with my post on Ah Lians, let me continue with their trusty male counterparts, the Ah Beng. There are not many Ah Bengs, the sole reason being no one wants to admit being one!


The Ah Beng


Ah Beng is a type of race found in Malaysia and Singapore. They can be divided into two sub-races, the Hokkien Ah Beng and the Canto Ah Beng. The Hokkien Ah Beng is usually found in Singapore and certain parts of Malaysia such as Kuching and Penang. Canto Ah Bengs are usually found around the Klang Valley.




Distribution of Ah Bengs in South East Asia, c. 2007





The Ah Beng are of often mistaken as Chinese gangsters. Although all Chinese "pai kia" are Ah Bengs, not all Ah Bengs like to fight. Nows-aday, most Ah Beng can be found in cybercafes playing DotA or in snookeriums or pubs. Ah Bengs are also known as 'Lala Chai'.



"Kua simi kua, lu lan pa tua? KNNBCCB!"


Ah Bengs are unique because they evolve into another subculture, the ah Pek. But sometimes, they may even turn into the renowned CheeKoPeks(tm)


Identifying an Ah Beng is a simpler task than identifying an Ah Lian. First, look at their hairstlye. Towards the end of the last milennium, Ah Bengs used to sport the 'Golden Monkey' hairstyle. Nows-aday, the Ah Bengs try to match their hairstyle with the Japanese youth or their favourite Taiwanese/Hong Kong/Japanese/Korean boy band. Sadly, most end up looking like the unholy spawn of a drunken night between a rooster and a monkey. Most of them are usually quite skinny too.




Golden Monkey hairstyle, circa 1997




The current Ah Beng hairstyle, circa 2006



Ah Bengs are less fussy about their style of clothing than Ah Lians. The current trend is towards tight-fitting button downs. The first three buttons must always be undone, and a metal chain necklace is preferable. Dragon or punk inspired designs are a plus. Fake designer jeans with a boot cut are fashionable. Basically, anything that can make you look like a Korean/Taiwanese/Japanese pop star will do. The Ang Mohs (westerners) tend to view their fashion as totally gay.



F4: Who the Ah Bengs want to be



The Ah Beng are famous for their colourful language, which can reduce the most fearsome of pirates into nervous wrecks. Most of their language revolves around mothers, genitals and procreation. The most famous of these is KNNCCB. Other than their mother tongue of Hokkien, Teochew, Hakka or Cantonese, they speak a form of english called Benglish.

Eg. "You listen to him karaoke. His voice kana sai lai dat."
Translation: "Listen to his singing. He sounds like sh*t."

Ah Bengs are wannable Japanese boy racers. As some can't afford japanese cars like the Nissan Skyline or Honda Integra, they make do with heavily modified Kancils or Kelisas. Every Ah Beng is a master of zng-ing(pimping) their ride. They usually kit their cars with custom spoilers and side skirts. Not forgetting the most important of them all, the bone rattling, rthymic(hmmm) subwoofer. This serves to announce the Ah beng's royal presence to everyone within a 500 metre radius.




Ah Beng's dream car




Ah Beng's real car




So ends my observation on our proud Ah Beng heritage. A final word of advice:

If you ever get into a fight with an Ah Beng and he challenges you to a one-on-one brawl, never ever trust his word. Chances are, his kakia Ah Beng Ah Seng will be hiding behind dustbins ready to join their brahder if he needs help. And they will hoot you upside down. So, always bring along your own kakia. :P


For your entertainment, here's a video clip of Ah Beng tetno by some Singaporeans:



and this:

Valenstein Day

In Malaysia, Valentine's Day is commonly mispronounced as Valen-stein Day. So, here is a card I made, specially to all you 'lomantiks' out there!




Uhh!! Need love....

Uniquely Malaysian: The Ah Lian

In accordance to Visit Malaysia Year 2007, I would like to do my part in promoting Malaysia's rich and vibrant tapestry of cultures and traditions.

In Malaysia, in addition to our different races and religions, we have subcultures that transcend all of these...for example, bananas, mat rocks (endangered species in East Malaysia), the usual Bengs/Lians, trendy Minahs, high-achieving elitists, CheeKoPeks (tm) and the now famous Matt Rem-Pitts (Brad Pitt's adopted children?) to name a few.


Brad: Adoptive father to Matthew Rem-Pitt




Some of you will dismiss all these as stereotypes, and your eyeballs are probably halfway rolled up into their sockets already. Everyone hates being put into a box, right? Haha, cool down..cheer up emo kid and stop cutting yourself...and take all this with a pinch of salt!


Today, let us look at a group of special people that make Malaysia (and SIngapore) such a unique place to be:


AH LIANS

According to legend, Ah Lians can trace their heritage way back to the great matriarch Xiao Gurrl. The honorable Xiao Gurrl was said to have invented neoprint camwhoring. But the accuracy of this statement is widely disputed. The 16 year old Japanese schoolgirls, who also stake claim to this acheivement, beg to differ.



"They stole it from us", testifies angry japanese schoolgirl




Now let us proceed on to identifying them. The physical characteristics of an Ah Lian varies greatly. In layman's terms, got some pretty and some not-so lah! Ah Lians typically have long rebonded straight hair, athough some may choose the more "romantic" wavy style. Ah Lians love to dye their hair into a dirty-blondish colour. But nows-aday, it's fashionable among women to have rebonded hair, so you'll have to look harder!




Ayumi Hamasaki, with Ah Lian hairstyle





Ah Lians also have a dress code they adhere religiously to. The typical Ah Lian wears a revealing tube top or spaghetti strap. Tops should be tight-fitting and small, regardless of body size and shape. They usually match this with tight low-cut jeans or denim miniskirts. The risk for zao geng is notoriously high compared to the general female population (CheeKoPeks rejoice!). Certain brands have become more popular among the Ah Lian crowd, most notably PMK, Giordano and VonDutch (the ones bought at a bargain from pasar malams)


"Good place to find branded stuff, budden hor, donno why so cheap", says Ah Lian


On to the less superficial stuff. Ah Lians are amazingly social people, and they are often seen with their group of Jie Meis ("sisters" in Mandarin, for the uninformed). They tend to prefer their JieMei's to be a bit less chio (pretty) than them. Their favourite haunts include Sungei Wang Plaza (KL) and Wisma Saberkas (Kuching). They tend to frequent boutiques that sell slutty sexy cute outfits, and most importantly, pink ones! Bubble tea bars rely on the Ah Lian/Beng community to survive. They speak a loose mix of mandarin, hokkien, cantonese and broken english. They are exceptionally fluent in "Hokkien chau wa" but reserve this for catfights and so on. The best place to find an Ah Lian is at a Wang Lee Hom or Jay Chou concert. Leng-chais (Handsome Guys) such as them have a huge Ah Lian fanbase. On Valentine's Day, they would expect a ton of plush animals from their Beng "lomeos".




Ah Lian Sentral, in Kay Elle





Lee Hom: Object of worship



Ah Lians are also prominent on social networking websites, namely Friendster. You can identify them by their screen names, which tend to be super-cute. Some people consider these plain annoying or stupid. But I myself consider them unique in a Malaysian way :)

Eg. MILKster PINKy baobei Pinkalicious missiprincess dolli CoCo LaLa xiaokeaiix. Note that they tend to name their pets similarly.




Typical Ah Lian Profile




In their friendster profiles, they include strange details about themselves, namely their height, weight and pet names. They also tend to add friends indiscriminately, necessitating the creation of several accounts. The more friends they have, the more secure they feel. They have a distinct vocabulary, with liberal use of "wOr" "nEhz" 'kEkEx' "mAhz" and usually TyPE LiKe tHis as they regard this as cute. Ah Lians are notable camwhores, and together with socialites account for more than half of all camwhores in Friendster. They try their best to make their profile photos as cute as possible. Some edit their photos with Microsoft Paint to emulate neoprint stickers. AND the more demure ones tend to use Jay Chou or some other celebrity as their profile pic.




Typical Ah Lian profile




A chio Ah Lian camwhoring







So ends my short observation on our unique and wonderful Ah Lians. Without them, Malaysia will just not be Malaysia. Malaaayyyssiiiaa Trruulllyyy Asssiiiiaaa!





..

...

....

.....

......

My Ah Lian Pic, kekexz


DAMN GHEY ONE!

I am a Malaysian

I feel strangely patriotic/malaysian today. This is based on the "I am a Canadian" commercial for Molson Beer. Enjoy!

What? Ultraman?

Man...it's been ages since I watched this series, way back when there wasn't any Astro or computer games to distract me. Just wondering why ultraman has to go through the same routine every time: You know, he(?) starts losing, then the flashing lights thingy, then his "super power"...Ahhh...simpler times...

now, can you try naming them all?

Friendster's mid life crisis

Friendster is fun and annoying at the same time, just like a little bro/sis. Like most other people (read: approval desperate addicts)..I use friendster on a daily basis, browsing for hot girls long lost aquaintances and friends.



But first, let me get this straight: I'm perfectly cool with friendster. There's the joy of meeting this friend from ages ago and reminiscing about how things were in simpler times. And meeting amazing people with potential *wink* *wink*



As with anything that's good, its inevitable. Ever since friendster's been swarmed by overenthusiastic kids pretending to be older (well, the minimum age is 16 I think) and super-kiasu friend collectors, its fun factor is going the way of the dodo. Take for instance, the annoying trends perpetrated by the aforementioned people:






1. The friend collector:

Well, no problem with me that you're cute and all, but honestly! 3 accounts? 3000+ friends? I could barely make it past 200 people I at least know about. And with all those desperate guys friends, what are you asking for? An orgy army? And from your testimonials all I can see is "ummm...i dunno this girl, but i think she is pretty" and "stay cute cute always!"

Case in point:





2. ASCII Art Testimonials:

Nuff said. Not only are they an eyesore, they are hollow, meaningless and HUGE. Not to mention they screw the true purpose of testimonials: genuine wishes and fun facts about the person.



3. Flash Testies.

As above. Only more annoying as they feature stupid music and Beng 'tetno'. Sad thing, even my real friends are starting to give me these.



4. CAps loCK mALfuncTIOn

Maybe some of you think this is cUtE, but its downright frustrating with me trying to read your message. I suggest that you type properly, or risk breaking your fingers, cOuRTeSY oF mE. I can only imagine how they got to type like this:

Ahlian: Didii, ken eu help cheche pressz pressz tis buton while cheche taipingx?
Didi : Thowan! Sianzzz. -_-#
Ahlian: Haiya, don liddat la. Afterdz cheche buyz eu toyx oke?
Didi : Heeeeexx! ^-^





But friendster is intriguing in its own right. Where in real life do you get to add and delete friends at your whim?
Now leave me alone to listen to my tetno music.